rellen (rellen) wrote,
rellen
rellen

negativeland

I've been in a very unhappy place lately. Everything is culprit:
-not getting enough exercise
-my own criticisms
-everyone else's criticism of me
-incomplete goals
-unhappy/unfulfilled relationship
-hormones

This is worse than just general malaise. This is a dryness in my throat, a tightness in my core and a rude word for every action I take, usually something along the lines of "you're such an asshole"

Is this my perfectionist nature on meth? Is it the changing of the seasons? Is it living a life less dreamed of?

Last night in my dream I was histerical. It is a reflection of my inner state in wakeful life. G had chosen the computer as a lover over me. It was unfair. I was unloved. I was beating him about the head trying to get him to notice me, to convince him that I was superior to the computer. To no avail. He hardly noticed me. I went through the house kicking and screaming and crying. An adult tantrum. Embarrassing to admit, but it was just a dream.

Why am I so pent up? Why am I so focused on the negative? What happened to my positive outlook?

Nothing is good enough. That is why. I try to make it better, but still, it isn't good enough.
I went to the gym yesterday. I thought it would help. Yet here I am again, in negativeland.

I have things to do besides search for the cause of my bedragesickeled state:

Homework, among other things.
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