-not getting enough exercise
-my own criticisms
-everyone else's criticism of me
This is worse than just general malaise. This is a dryness in my throat, a tightness in my core and a rude word for every action I take, usually something along the lines of "you're such an asshole"
Is this my perfectionist nature on meth? Is it the changing of the seasons? Is it living a life less dreamed of?
Last night in my dream I was histerical. It is a reflection of my inner state in wakeful life. G had chosen the computer as a lover over me. It was unfair. I was unloved. I was beating him about the head trying to get him to notice me, to convince him that I was superior to the computer. To no avail. He hardly noticed me. I went through the house kicking and screaming and crying. An adult tantrum. Embarrassing to admit, but it was just a dream.
Why am I so pent up? Why am I so focused on the negative? What happened to my positive outlook?
Nothing is good enough. That is why. I try to make it better, but still, it isn't good enough.
I went to the gym yesterday. I thought it would help. Yet here I am again, in negativeland.
I have things to do besides search for the cause of my bedragesickeled state:
Homework, among other things.