rellen

rellen @ 2008-01-27T08:43:00

2008-01-27T16:43:19Z

Get a Free Tee at NoStankYou.com

rellen @ 2007-10-28T14:43:00

2007-10-28T21:44:21Z

who'dathunkit?

2007-10-28T21:40:37Z

oops

2007-07-27T22:06:37Z

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		80%
Supergirl		65%
Hulk		65%
Robin		62%
Superman		60%
The Flash		55%
Catwoman		50%
Batman		50%
Wonder Woman		45%
Iron Man		45%
Green Lantern		40%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

vah-gine-ah

2007-06-26T22:23:57Z

According to the "Which Big Lebowski character are you?" quiz:

Why don't you check it out? Or we cut off your Johnson!

yee-haw!

2007-06-26T15:50:12Z

You are 89% REAL Texan!!

High five, you're a complete Texan. People from other states should tremble in your presence because they're simply not worthy. Let them bow before you and convey their undying adoration to you while they announce their true desire to be Texan.

How Texan Are You?

so ronerey

2006-12-21T21:45:51Z

should be's

cleaning up
packing
baking cookies
calling up people I know here

ain't!

Wishin' for a random encounter like the one so long ago, that night in Port A. Met a great friend. Had good times. Had bad times. Jammed together. Then split. Wanting a friendship like that TO LAST. Where to find it in the mother of all cities? God, this place is a wreck. When's the next big one going to hit? Just want to get done, get out and get back to my roots.

I got a feelin' it's a long way home.

rellen @ 2006-11-05T07:46:00

2006-11-05T14:46:00Z

OK Go - Here It Goes Again

2006-10-22T03:38:30Z



"OK Go - Here It Goes Again" on Google Video
OK Go, Dancing on Treadmills Buy the album at iTunes: http://doiop.com/ohno/itunes More OK Go: http://okgo.net http://myspace.com/okgo (music_video)

my advisor... the asshole

2006-09-29T20:45:23Z

Communication problems aside, dealing with my graduate advisor is proving to be a nightmare. He snoops and gossips, bad-mouthing anyone and everyone, all the while believing he is the most witty man to walk the planet. He makes up mocking names for everyone in our group. I have embraced mine and in so doing made it my shield. (Thank you Lord Snow for teaching me that lesson).

The latest bit of evidence to make me hate the man, is the fact that he read my fellow students e-mail when she left it open on one of our group computers. What a schmuck! And he calls me a nosy snoop. I would never stoop so low as to read his e-mail, though he's left me many opportunities. I don't need access to his motivations, bragging, gossipping, politicking or anything else he may convey through his email. I care abouot the practical, day-to-day, getting shit done agenda. His is plain to me without snooping through his e-mail:

He wants the money from grants that help feed his largely minority grad students, but he doesn't really want to have to interact with them at all as an advisor. He'd rather bully them like some twisted upper-classman would a fresh little fish.

He wants to keep up appearences and cover his ass so that he'll be sure his promotion goes through early next year, even though he doesn't give a damn about the department, the univeristy or its students. He will give all kinds of lip service to make whomever believe that he does care about these things, but actions speak louder than.

I'm sorry that I cam to grad school. I'm learning more about how to interact with people than I am about my subject (or so it feels sometimes). It is a good thing to know, but I'm left wondering if this is some sort of retribution for all those years I spent as an asshole. I feel like I'm back in high school, trapped in a living situation that I cannot abide, but must suffer trhough until I finish what I started. I can't wait to get out.

I don't mind the hard work or even the lack of recognition for all that I do. What bothers me is the lack of a support network. I came here because it was a small program, thinking it would afford me more one-on-one, but now I find myself wishing the department was bigger. I could have friends to talk to about scientific musings. We could brainstorm and bitch about projects and advisors, but although there are many grad students, most of them are commuters, so I only see them in class. I should work alittle harder I guess, to speed up the getting the fuck out out of here.

My message for all of you: choose wisely your grad program. Learn carefully who you will be dealing with before you sign so many years of y our life away. It is the human interactions that shape our lives and it is what we do that gives our lives meaning. Don't entangle the two in a downward spiraling mess. Choose carefully who you surround yourself with that you may all work together toward common goals that will lift you all up.

negativeland

2006-09-26T14:53:13Z

I've been in a very unhappy place lately. Everything is culprit:
-not getting enough exercise
-my own criticisms
-everyone else's criticism of me
-incomplete goals
-unhappy/unfulfilled relationship
-hormones

This is worse than just general malaise. This is a dryness in my throat, a tightness in my core and a rude word for every action I take, usually something along the lines of "you're such an asshole"

Is this my perfectionist nature on meth? Is it the changing of the seasons? Is it living a life less dreamed of?

Last night in my dream I was histerical. It is a reflection of my inner state in wakeful life. G had chosen the computer as a lover over me. It was unfair. I was unloved. I was beating him about the head trying to get him to notice me, to convince him that I was superior to the computer. To no avail. He hardly noticed me. I went through the house kicking and screaming and crying. An adult tantrum. Embarrassing to admit, but it was just a dream.

Why am I so pent up? Why am I so focused on the negative? What happened to my positive outlook?

Nothing is good enough. That is why. I try to make it better, but still, it isn't good enough.
I went to the gym yesterday. I thought it would help. Yet here I am again, in negativeland.

I have things to do besides search for the cause of my bedragesickeled state:

Homework, among other things.

rellen @ 2006-09-22T11:42:00

2006-09-22T18:42:15Z

Which Firefly Character Are You?

You're Zoe, Second-in-Command. You're tough, stoic and completely loyal to your leader. You're just the definition of cool.
Take this quiz!

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| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

dreaming

2006-09-13T12:52:01Z

I know I must have been dreaming... Around about the same time I won a million dollars in Vegas, paid in cheese and had an adorable little baby girl. I mean brand new. G was there and was very supportive. I met a man in some restaurant waiting area that seemed to know me, or at least was fond of me in a fatherly way. His name was Ryan. I remember this because he wrote me a letter that was there when we got back wishing me all the best and wanting to know how I was doing. I remember writing him a response. One of the closing remarks I made was "I just love being a mother!" and it felt so true. I took babygirl everywhere with me: into the field to do field work, on the bus, into the bank... and it felt so right to just hold her in my arms and share the love. I met an older lady in the bank who just happened to be from Texas. The bank was like a hybrid between the Wamu floorplan and a Vegas casino. There were no slot machines, but the tellers were all dressed in dealers' tuxes, replete with cumberbund and resigned look in the eye. I went up to the lady and plopped down my two bundles of million dollar cheese (they fir easily in my hands, being no larger than a whiffle ball if not a little more solid). I told her I had a million dollars to deposit and that I won it in Vegas. She congratulated me and I could feel my nervousness ebb as the transaction drew to completion. Do you have any idea how nerve-wracking it is to carry around a million dollars worth of cheese? She congratulated us and I asked her where she was from having a hunch she came from Texas. And then I was leaving the bank. And then BEEP/BEEP#BEEP\BEEP*click* 5:10- time to get up.

i see things that aren't really there

2006-09-09T00:11:46Z

I awoke to the smell of cat turd. Sure enough. Light on, eyes open, there was a cat turd lying on the bed beside my pillow.
It was really there, but that did not break the magic of the dream nor the hold it had on me.

Now only the last bits remain, late in the day, and a long day at that. These bits I retained with a concious interpretation because I WANT TO REMEMEMBER: I see things that aren't really there. I was in a large house with many bedrooms. Friends and family were sleeping in their rooms all up and down the hall. I was in a darkened kitchen doing the dishes. Over the sink there was a bar through which I could see into the living room. Looking into the living room I saw a can of something, maybe oatmeal, on a shelf near of a stained oak book case. It was positioned near the floor, the second shelf from the floor. In front of my eyes, I watched it appear (or was it disapper?) It freaked me out. In the dream, the reason we were all staying together in one house was to watch out for one another, to protect ourselves against "the evil"- which is not what it was called, but conceptually that's what it was. As far as I can remember it didn't have a name. Call it ghosts, zombies, the devil and his minions, them out there.

So there I was, the only one awake in the whole house and I see this apparition. I ran down the hall screaming at everyone to wake up, that "they" were here, inside the house. No one seemed to hear me. Finally, in the room closest to the kitchen, the door ajar, slept G's parents. At first, like the rest, they seemed deaf to my plea, but then both of their eys shot open, their eyes glowing blue in the dark. They awake calmly and listened to my concern. Then just as calmly, G's father asked me to show him where it had happened. I took him into the living room. G had explained that I was in the kitchen doing the dishes. Somehow it felt as though he were defending me, against what I can't be sure; uncertainty, perhaps? Anyway, it wasn't there (or else it was) and this wise old man could sense no ill. He calmly explained that it was a trick of the mind. Later, in a crowded dining room the four of us sat at a table near the middle of the room. It was well lit and people were conversing all around us. D explained about all the hallucinations he has experienced in real life, day-to-day life and how he had to cope with them by first realizing they weren't real and then just going with the flow, that is, not letting others onto the fact that he was having a looney moment. He explained it in such a way that I could almost picture what he saw before his eyes and see him just going along through life rather nonchalantly, as though nothing were the matter. He explained about a mechanical device (we just happened to have one on the table) that would allow one to manipulate these images somehow, but only the elderly could take advatage of it. I asked him if I may, and he said "well of course, since you're 60"

It was very bizarre.

Interpreting: Clearly I have huge amount of respct for G's dad. He really does see to go through life with a very care-free happy-go-lucky kind of attitude and he is very successful (perhaps as a result of this). But in the dream, he had problems of perception (as everyone surely does). We all cast what we see in the light of our own mind and whatever perverse thinking has shaped our "reality." We all must deal with this sort of lack of a common paradigm, but we need not freak out about it. So I saw something that wasn't really there (or didn't see something that was), but as long as I could recognize it for what it was- i.e. not real, then it would all be okay.

I don't know what the blue eyes mean. Perhaps wisdom. Perhaps blessedness (in the arcane sense).

In any case I think it humourous, this dream. And I want to remember.

sound check

2006-09-01T04:34:47Z

When the bouncer tells you before a show that the soundcheck sounded great, what he means is "I hope you brought earplugs"

Thus was our latest adventure at the Wiltern. At my behest, we went to see Wolf Parade play with Frog Eyes and Whale(something)? From my days at KVRX, I remember loving Wolf Parade and I remember when I discovered Frog Eyes at insound I was in love, but this...

this show sucked! I mean I know how it is. The soundguy tries to get the band to turn down, tells them they sound great, but the venue is ill-equipped with monitors, so the band compensates by cranking it at the expense of the audience's hearing. This was a closed theatre, designed, by the looks of it, in the 20s and meant for theatre. I don't know much about acoustics. Is something that is ideal for vaudeville versatile enough to withstand the rigour of rock-and-roll? I dunno.

It could just be that the sound guy sucked.

I will never go to another indoor show without carrying ear-plugs. As a concession, I have agreed to let G choose the next show (two shows?) we go to, so it might be a while before I hear live music again. My biggest regret is that I wasted $60 on this night of revulsion when I could have wasted it on a night of revelry... doing any number of things... The Polyphonic Spree is coming to town. So is Willie, the Psychedelic Furs, Cracker, all of these promising to be outstanding. The opportunity is gone. School starts next week, so I will have to buy textbooks, plus I have registration fees to pay and other things besides (dentist, vet). On that note you can read all about our
We have had a sad situation with our eldest cat lately. Several months ago she had two mammaries removed. Since then, the tumor has regrown to about the size of a peanut. For the last two days she has eaten nothing, and groomed minimally. She has been lethargic and cloisters herself under the bed or in the closet. Not behaviour of a healthy, happy beastie. She defecates in corners. She is clearly in pain. G had promised her to take her to the vet only once more (to euthanize her when her pain became too much). I have made a vet appointment for tomorrow because I grow increasingly worried for her (and him). I will take her. G will not break his promise. And hopefully the treatment will be nothing more than antibiotics for a tummy bug that her immune system has had trouble fending off. I have encouraged G. to take off early and meet me at the vet, but nothing is guaranteed with LA traffic.

She has been looking older lately. More grey, sunken face. But she has been, up to now, energetic and happy. I mean she's always had a problem urinating in corners, and occasionally pooping to show her displeasure, but this has been some runny, red, stinky shit. As I have said, I am worried about her. Now you know the gory details of why. Needless to say, hopefully it will have a happy ending.

In other news I think I am having other peoples'dreams again. This one belongs to my ex:
Last night we had pizza. Yummy, yummy deluxe Guido's pizza with everything on it (including anchovies, pineapple, jalapeno, eggplant...) Trust me it was delicious! I had one too many slices with Big Red and, after a series of belches, made myself comfortable on the bed to read the latest issue of The New Yorker- a treat. (It's the education issue. On a side note, I have been leaning more and more toward a career in teaching lately. PhD? Teach? Consult? Field grunt? Weeble-wobble, round and round. Where we stop, no one knows. Maybe I'll just do it all). But enough side-tracking. Back to the dream. Now, it's commonly known that eathing before bed will give you nightmares, and while this is not always true for me, it was last night. I had some VERY, BIZARRE, DREAMS. I wish I had recorded the details sooner as they have mostly slipped away.

I was going out with a girlfriend of mine (a dream friend not real life, which is why I think this dream is not mine. I don't really have any girlfriends. Certainly none that I make dates with). She met me at my house, with my bother (or was it hers?) He reminded me of a deranged, highly mutated version of Mc. He had the innsmouth look. In an extreme way. I mean he looked like somekind of goddamned creepy fish zombie mutant. His eyes were buggy, his demeanor inhuman.Was his flesh green or merely cloaked in algae?

We took him with us to our event- some sort of dinner-theater, gospel-revival kind of get together. It promised to be highly entertaining, reviving, even cathartic. And it was, but not in the way we expected. Most of the others in attendance were black women, y'know, the church-goin' type. We had a table at the rear of the "theatre" and the creep sat with us with a dead look in his eyes, seemingly deaf, dumb, and blind to the world.

The event fizzled before it ever really seemed to get started. The church-goin' types were wondering around digging loose change and other such treasures out from seat cushions and under seatrows. I remember wanting to join them as they were finding some pretty spectacular stuff, or at least stuff that I remeber wanting. But my motivations were selfish and I failed to understand that they were collecting these spectacular trifles to put into the alms box along the windowed wall behind my seated position. At some point, our deranged companion freaked on everyone, like some sort of were-fish trying to convert everything he could to one of his own. We were deadly embarassed. I mean, the show wasn't anything special, but we really ruined it by bringing the horror along.

So there it is, my habitual Thursday update. I almost didn't make it. A couple of weeks ago, I rolled my special die and it came up WORK. I have refused to re-roll it because I know that's what I need to be doing right now and I have been so wrapped up in it, I don't even have time to be stressed (ha!) or do anything else really.

But, truly, I am making good progress (finally).

I am fretful because the gym at school will be closed for three weeks. I think it's very likely I will become moody and depressed without the regular exercise I have grown accustomed to and I am worried how this will affect my productivity. Already I have realized that the soil batches (even just the preliminary investigation) must be put off a little longer until I can get some questions answered and concvince my advisor to purchase the equipment I need.

Tomorrow I am helping Henry with some field work. I will also try to find time in the morning to make a list of the things I'd like to acquire so at least I will have a budget to show THE MAN. This would be so much easier if I had my own NSF grant. I could exercise a little more power in the decision-making process. As it is my advisor is an abhorrent micro-manager. And a shnookie at that. What a waste! I refuse to relate the details of yesterday's incident concerning a particular tripod and aluminum pole. He can shove it you-know-where for all I care, that is, as soon as I get it back.

But I don't want to end on a note like that. I mean, there must be something positive in my sphere.... hmmm, let's see....

productive- check
loved- check
optimistic- check

hey, well, that's a breakthrough. I mean me? optimistic? who woulda thunk it? ;)

returned with enthusiasm... sort of

2006-08-24T21:41:46Z

I have returned from the conference. It was both deficient and a great success for the same reason, being an international conference. Due, perhaps, to the difficulty of arriving in the middle of Texas in the middle of August, some presenters did not come, did not present. Thus we all missed out on what promised to be some very interesting presentations. On the other hand, we all got to hear of some of the cutting edge research going on in environmental sciences globally. And of course there was much networking to be done, which I will not elaborate on here.

Needless to say, I have realized there is much to be done (too much really), and have begun in earnest to do it. I will be busier than ever (but hopefully less stressed) with my newfound resolve to get results, literally. The preliminary batch experiments I hope to have underway next week. Still

platinum electrode for Eh measurements (and method!)
prepare talk for SACNAS
science mentor!!!
NSF application
PROSPECTUS!!!

In other news, I got my CA plates for my truck. Shed a tear for me. My own thoughts often frighten me. I hope I don't go crazy like my uncles and my grandmother before them. Or worse, crazier still.

ah, the joys of stress

2006-08-18T01:39:04Z

I'm not the only one feeling it. We'va ALL been busy this week. The professor even war a shirt procaliming:
"I am a geologist.
Forgive me my faults
as I am under a lot of stress
and pore pressure"

Ha. He, it turns out, is an old high school football star. It fits. He said his thirty year high school reunion is in a couple of years, which puts him in his mid-forties, as I suspected.

In other news, I'm a tired bitch. I don't know if it's that I'm over-worked, or if it's the result of some sort of tummy bug I brought back with me from the Sierras, but I have been gru-u-mpy.

Got my poster printed out, but forgot to pick up my check. I guess that means I won;t be at risk of spending it before rent comes due.

Mouth is healing up nicely, except for the bottome lip, which is still solidy numb on my right side. Every now and then I get a phantom tingle or itch, but no real feeling yet. I'm keeping my tongue crossed and trying not to chew it to shreds in the meantime.

Flying out tomorrow night. Won't return until Tues. Debating on delivering a few things that belong to my ex's sister while I'm in town. Might be more driving than I'm willing to do.

I like my new butch hair-do. I suppose it makes me look a bit like a lesbian. George for one (a new co-worker) seemed taken aback when I mentioned I had a boyfriend. It's true, I have always enjoyed checking out attractive women. Sometimes they notice, sometimes they don't. When they do notice, I typically get one of two reactions: either they appear pleasantly flattered, or blatantly annoyed/offended/maybe even scared. Today, the sadist in me took a lot of pleasure from that second reaction in a very sexily-clad female. She looked hot! And, well, if you're going to dress that way, you may as well accept the fact that people are going to check you out- both men and women. So be it. I look like a dike and I think pretty women can be admired by other women. So what. It's not like I'm leering at them or even trying to pick up on them. Just appreciative. Jeez. I, for one, fit in the first group when I notice a woman checking me out. It doesn't happen very often, but I am often flattered. Whereas, men checking me out has a greater tendency to creep me out, but maybe that's because, in large part, the men who check me out are old and kind of lecherous looking.

It's 6:30 already. I was hoping to make it home by 9:30, but it's going to take me two (probably closer to three) hours to process the incoming samples, and the guys haven't even made it back from the field yet. I thought I'd take this lull in my day to update my dear journal. I could be drafting my prospectus or any number of other pressing things that need doing, but then having me-time has gotten rather urgent this week. As G pointed out today, I'm trying to do two weeks of work in four days. But then if I didn't waste my time updating this silly journal... wait, did I update last week? I don't recall. Not important.

I'm going to try my luck with Aquachem. Heaven know as soon as I start doing something truly productive, they will return with the samples. So be it. It all suits my goals.

Wish me luck at the conference!

walking backwards

2006-08-10T14:18:24Z

A good title for a book. Or so thought my dream self when the idea came to me last night. I don't remember the context of those words coming to me... were they spoken? did I actually start walking backwards, but I think it a cipher (and a pretty blunt one at that) for the trap of regression, repeating past mistakes, falling into the downward spiral, etc... But enough psycho-analysis. Let us enter the dream scape.

On a strange boat in the middle of the sea with G. We were sitting lower deck, from whence we navigated and captained almost in the water ourselves. It was like a pod, this boat, or a blimp. There wasn't much space except this chamber we occupied. We sat upon slippery-when-wet, white table-like seats that were molded from some sort of plastic. I was having my monthly blood, but being cooped up on the boat, we were both ravenous. We looked at eachother and communication was shared. Foreplay ensued, quickly, as penetration was our ultiamte goal. He came over into my seat and I moved to sit up on the dash. I had left a film of menstral juices upon the seat, which he simply cleared off into the ocean. This made me exceedingly nervous (Sharks!), so instead of mounting him as we both intensely desired I suggested we should go up into the "sleeping" chamber. He was reluctant and I soon understood why. When we got up there, there was this weird baloon-like material blown up over it, smothering everything below. It was like some sort of weird air lock. There was some way to adjust it; in fact, for each individual it had to be adjusted for their breathing rate, but there were two of us crowding into this billowy, suffocating place. We couldn't get it on it was so tight in there. We couldn't breathe. Then some sort of alarm bell started going off like we had done something wrong. In the dream, I figured it was because we broke the airlock. Next thing I know, we're on a similar ship, about to embark with a bunch of school children, and their teacher is telling us be sure and keep track of all the childrens' breathing rates in case the system needs to be reset. It gave me a nervous feeling to hear this.

Next thing I know we're all wondering along this beach. Not the children, maybe they were there, but the feeling I had was this place was filled with the forsook. Everyone had these droopy, forlorn expressions in body and face. No one seemed to be going anywhere- not up the bech or down it- but just sort of wondering around near water's edge, some had rambled up into the dunes. It was almost like something right out of a zombie movie. The waves were wild and powerful. No one was swimming or surfing in those forboding waters. The sky mathced the mood: dark and overcast. Then all the water started to retreat, like the tide going out, only all at once and in slow-mo. It kept going out and out. I realized this meant something BIG was coming. It quickened my pulse in the most-exhiliarating way. And although I knew it was fear I should feel, instead I was filled with utter awe. The excitement was overwhelming. My selse of self-preservation kicked in and I found myself running as fast as I could through the thick sandy dunes. It was more like slogging through the dunes, as anyone who's ever run through thick sand will know. Some of the "zombies" had also realized something dire was approaching and had begun to flee, but others remained, cluelessly wondering about where water's edge had been, some of them even venturing out in search of the water that had abandoned them.

Next thing I remember I'm in some swampy back-bay type area. It's not completely primitive. There are fishing docks built here and there in the marsh and deeper waters of the bay, but as far as I can tell they do not connect to the land upon which we hike. They are sunk, I suppose, into pilings at the bottom of the water. I'm travelling with a Tom Sawyer type, a good friend of mine in the dream. I think we are going fishing. We come into a patch of reeds that opens into a pit of water in which two or three of these dock structures have been planted. The water is deep and murky, blue-brown and ominous. "Tom" murmurs something about being careful through this pass... And as I proceed to jump onto one of the docks, I miss and fall into the water. It was not so much that I missed as I felt the water, like as vast abyss, pull me in before I ever had a chance to reach the dock. I hear my friend scream out "NO", but it's too late I'm falling as in air deeper into this dark murk. It doesn't occur to me to swim, but I know it will be useless. I know I will not be able to overcome the gravity of this water. And that is the last thing I rememember thinking as I scream, falling into the depths below, that water has gotten heavier. And I have a strange recollection that that is what "Tom" was trying to warn me about.

no wiser than a chipmunk

2006-08-03T16:38:37Z

The teeth are out. All four of them. I wore my raggedy old Beattle's shirt to surgery. Abbey Road with all four of them. I figured I wouldn't mind if I got it all bloody as it's pretty much torn to shreds anyway. I was very ill at easewhen we got there. To be expected I guess, but it wasn't the surgery so much as going under. I don't remember it. It happened so quickly. They stuck the IV in my arm. Then the nurse added the drugs and BAM! I was gone. The last thing I remembered was an excahnge with the doc:

"Are they barbituates?" I asked incorrectly I believe. I wanted to know if they were derived from opium and therefore should have asked if they were opiates.

He says to me, "No. Do you want barbituates," somewhat slyly or suspiciously or at least so I perceived.

And I believe I was able to articulate a response, or at least what I though came out of my mouth was "No. no. I was just curious... what they are" I don't think I got the last part out.

I started to come out of it before they were finished. They had my wouth propped open from teh inside and this thing was poking me uncomforatbly. I tried to move it but of course my arms were pinned down, so I tried to communicate to the, to ask them if they could please just reposition it. I remember the doc saying something about me beginng to come out of it. They may have had to rush through sewing up the last of the sutures. Then I was up. I don't remember how I was aroused, but I vaguely recall standing up from the operating chair and being transferred to another chair in the hall. G was there and ready to help me out to the truck.

I think I tried to ask the doctor or somebody if I fought them. You see, during the consultation, the doctor was telling me all about the different kinds of patients and the way they respond to the drugs. Did you know per pound red-heads require a larger dose than others? Anyway, he said on one extreme were the "laughers" so gleeful and light as they slip into unconciousness. On the other side of the spectrum were the "fighters." He described how they become combative and possessive and sometimes require an extra dose. I did not want to be one of thos and I knew as anxious as I was that it was a possibility I would descend into this madness. The Laughers, I was told, often wake up in the same state: happy and free, while the Fighters are near-impossible to rouse and sometimes require an antidote. Well, I don't like a lot of unknown substances working around on my insides. The doctor confirmed that is physiologically better for me the less drugs they have to give me.

In the end, I think I turned out to be somewhere in the middle. No extraorinary glee and no excessive rage. Not easily roused, but not altogether zonked.

Now my mouth is very uncomfortable. And I look and feel like a chipmunk with over-stuffed cheeks. I took one pain pill yesterday and it knocked me out, so today I'm sticking to the over-the-counter anti-inflammatory unless of course the pain becomes truly unbearable. I don't think I'll be up for hamburgers anytime soon, maybe I nice thick gruel will do.

I plan to read as much of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince as I can, but I also need to pump out some tables for work and *a-hem* finish my prospectus. The house, being in disarrya, could also use some straightening up, but I don't want to stress out about all that right now. I'm just going to take it easy and maybe I'll do all that stuff tomorrow.

In other news. I am dead broke. My credit card is just about maxxed with the cost of this extraction and tuition and fees, both of which had to be paid this week, (which reminds me I need to register- things are kind of backwards at this university. FIRST you pay, THEN you may register). Also I will be taking a class concurrently at another branch accross town, which will end up costing me another hundred bucks out of pocket for tuition, not to mention commuting costs. Then there's the up-coming conference... AH! I have a reimbursement check coming, and my stipend (hopefully both before I fly out on the eigteenth) Also I am owed $200 for a contest I won and another several hundred for a side-job I've been working on, but when it flows is still uncertain, as the way paperwork goes around here, it could be till Christmas, and I really hope I'm exaggerating here.

I talked with my dear friend Jen last night. She is doing great! It almost makes me wish I'd stayed in Austin with her to share all of the triumphs and tribulations of UT life, but Austin was killing me with it's bad air. Of course, now L.A. is killing me with its bad air, but I feel like I'm in better shape now than when I was in Austin. Especially since I discovered how wonderful joggin on the beach is. We've been invited down again this weekedn on account of G's birthday. I hope I'll be felling well enough to go for a jog.

Things I am longing for that I may never do:

Publish a book. I have almost enough poetry and prose, but I'd need to touch up and complette some of the art I'd want to accompnay it. Plus I have a couple of other ideas kicking around. One is incendiary (and underway). And the other two are kind-of self-help, self-improvement books.

Design and build a house. Ever since I took Statics two summers ago at UT, a latent longing to have studied architectural or structural engineering has been awakened and refuses to be put to rest. Plus all of my best dreams are very three-dimensional. I've had some spectacularly detailed dreams of houses (and structures) I feel I am destined to build.If only I could pursue it. Alas, not at this time.

Put out an album or six. I'm not really all that prolific a song-writer. In fact I haven't even written anything since I've moved to California (Which might be why it still doesn't quite feel like home, that and the fact that we have no porch, no transitional space into our home.) All the same, I think I have enough old material to merit one record. If only I could seek out some bandmates that my music inspired and vice-versa. *sigh*

Be a good science teacher. I just don't think I have what it takes.

Move to Mexico Somewhere in the state of Oaxaca or maybe Tabasco or even Chiapas. It's so beautiful and laid-back there.

Finish this damn master's degree already! Sometimes I feel like this is the only thing keeping me form pursuing any of the above. Of course, I'm liable to put any such task there in bold and blame it for my lack of accomplishment in other areas of my life (s.a. working at a daycare, being a good wife, etc, a good pot-head, making ends meet, finishing, well, anything really... just to name a few of the previous scape-goats), so ultimately I guess I need to be a little more pro-active, I little more focused, a little at a time. And a pinch of optimism wouldn't hurt.

On that note, I'm going to go finish preparing myself some musshy food. Garlic mashed ptatoes and a hard-boiled egg.

tomorrow i become wiser

2006-08-01T13:25:54Z

i searched under chairs
i searched under tables
i tried to find the key to fifty million fables
they call me the seeker
i've been searchin' low and high
i won't get to get what i'm after
'till the day i die
-Pete Townsend

tomorrow i have all four of my impacted wisdom teeth pulled. the two bottom ones have been giving me trouble for a while now. the full head x-ray revealed that the top right is likely to begin giving me trouble soon and the top left could quite possibly remain where it is. but i've been told, the older you get, the harder it is to have them out, so, it's all or none. i've never had surgery before and i'm a little scared of being put under and waking up with a bloody mouth. i wonder how coherent i'll be...

in other news. today i give my first TM speech: the Icebreaker. It's full of fun musical quotes (like the one above) so I might even bust into song. It's very philosophical and leaves out a lot of the more tangible details of my life: where i was born and raised, who influenced me personally, how i got to where i am, why, etc...

In three weeks I have a conference to attend in Houston and I have no idea how I'm going to pay for all the things demanding my money. The juggling act continues as my credit card approaches max. God forbid.

activism activate

2006-07-26T23:07:03Z

I recently joined up with <a=href"http://www.mbayaq.org/cr/cr_seafoodwatch/sfw_consumers.asp">Monterrey Bay Aquarium</a>. They sponsor a really noble program called Seafood Watch that educates the public about making sustainable seafood choices. They also support other sorts of activism to protect our Pacific. I just signed up for the action alert newsletter after sending an e-mail to the Fish and Game commissioner... so now I feel really light and happy.

I am overwhelmed lately with the desire to help others and do good works and little progress is being made on my academic goals for this reason. Or maybe I'm just a slacker. La-te-dah. In other news jellyfish are really cool...

jellyfish heaven is not like Japan
jellyfish heaven is not like Thailand
jellyfish heaven
is a lot
like L.A.

and here I am...

a day off...

2006-07-19T14:03:35Z

sort of
I had written a beautiful post at one of the library computers, which promptly ate it, so I guess I missed my chance to tell you about the wonderful concert G treated me to at the Hollywood Bowl and how Stuart Murdoch himself smiled at me as I was dancing in the aisles and he was running past. And I guess I don't get to tell you about how we didn't go to Mexico and instead spent the weekend at the beach.

I have been very busy lately with sampling and such. Today is my day to play catch up with my life. On my to-do list:

*make a budget and find out how much money i need that i don't have
*organize my data!!!
*finish prospectus rough draft
*wrap/order G's b-day present
*love on the kitties
*walk to the post office(?)

I was going to take tomorrow off as well, but there's too much to do:

*set up for field work
*pick up BC, movie tickets, book from library
*have forms signed
*set up for Ale to filter on Friday
*collect and deliver samples to UCR (an hour and a half drive)
*go to Fry's to pick up wire crimps

Really I ought to deliver samples on Friday so we'll add four more data points for the upcoming quarterly report, but I think truly it won't matter because we don't have a complete month set yet, so I'm stickin' with the plan.

In other news, does anyone know what this means:
"ser naco es chido"???

another day gone away

2006-06-30T19:43:10Z

I just found an amusing little waste of time

It's a beta version, so you can feel proud of your obscure knowledge in schoolin' the not-so-good AI. I've already stumped it three out of four times. Teehee.

i can feel it coming

2006-06-29T21:39:31Z

very soon I am going to give up meat again. I had a yummy yummy torta for lunch, but now I feel awful. Bleh!
so much creative energy has been surging within and around me lately. I need to channel it for work on my research.
Tuesday is the fourth of July. We're going to do shish-ka-bobs. Saturday is Joseph's fabulous Technicolor Dreamcoat (???) and French food. Fortunately horse consumption has been banned in the state of California, so... I guess it's escargo and pate for me. What else do the French eat... fries? I think not.

In other news: The letter "k" is really kool!

I've been reading Desert Solitaire by Edward Abbey and have discovered that I am completely smitten with him despite his overly commie sympathies. I am longing now for nature and a simple life on my own. Children later. Now is time for me and me alone. Alas, it is not in the cards for me. But I am content enough with my slacker lifestyly and can live vicariously through the works of such great ones as Abbey. Anyone have any other good summer reading recommendations?

A happy Abbey quote: "Sentiment without action is the ruin of the soul."

Planned fundraiser for our foundering club? Recycling bins on each floor of our building. I'm on it!

How do you like your lychees?

2006-06-23T17:18:18Z

I have a whole bunch of lychees left over from a couple of weeks ago. I love them! They're got a very rosy flavor to them, but there dang hard to crack and peel. I found some recipes online. I think the dip and salso look good, but may be a little to rich and sweet respectively.

Good things are happening. My cats are batting an eight-sider around the kitchen floor. Gamer cats. *happy* Research is coming along slowly but surely. Heading to campus today despite all plans to the contrary to (hopefully) get some comments on my paper and acquire some more references. Libraries are great.

Wish I had money. I'd by cool shirts for me and all my friends. I'm learning to accept the fact that I'm broke as hell and in debt. As long as I get lots of exercise I find it's easier to just roll with it. I am hopeful that children and family WILL happen for me someday. Gavin teases me about it, but I'm just going to change my whole attitude about his teasing. He's not trying to dissuade me so much as just make me laugh at all the silly things in life. Cats are worse than babies because they can pounce on your head.

Good morning to you too.
pbth! :p

Off to breakfast and camping, uh, I mean campus. ;)